There is a small tree that I walk by everyday on my way to work. It is young compared to those other trees surrounding it. It is not towering over homes and it is often ignored for not having a bark wide enough to post signs on.
This tree is different from its siblings. He seems to not care of what a typical tree is suppose to be like. He is taking his time growing and morphing. He takes pride of the huge bright leaves produced on his branches. Each leaf, so meticulous in the way they span out to capture the rays of the sun. This tree stretches his arms fanning his leaves oh so proud. Rain or shine, summer or winter he is unaffected by the change of the seasons.
Unlike his siblings he seems to contort to keep his leafs intact. While other trees have fallen and have been struck by the fierceness of the weather, he stands tall and seems to laugh at the forces of nature. When autumn comes around he puts on a spectacular show; with shades of reds, oranges and yellows that put shame to those of a rainbow. Oh, but when winter roars in and all the leaves have fallen, this stubborn tree smirks and says: yeah, I see you coming! While other trees glisten with their branches coated in snow, this cool cat of a tree simply refuses to be.
I guess what I learned is that being different isn't so bad. That you deal with the elements as best as you can. There are things you can't control and unnecessarily stress out about but... with some bravery, hope and yes... stubbornness you will find that things aren't so bad. All in due time you will morph into your own tree and stand tall and proud and maybe even carefree!
- Current Mood: calm
- Current Music:Adele - Right as Rain
This is me Carnage, okay fine maybe my paws get in the way of pressing the tiny buttons on this laptop so my mom Lost is doing me the favor of typing this up for me. What she doesn’t know is that I’m using mind control to dictate what she types. Doh! I just told her. This is getting out of hand let me focus.
I wanted to first congratulate you on your stubbornness. I always knew that like me, the force is strong in you. Us Bad dogs… well… we cannot be kept down. I remember when that silly vet told my mom I would not live to see 2010 and look at me now. I just turned 15 which in dog years means *cough* never mind how many years I really am the point is I look damn good for my age. My second point is that although vets mean well they sometimes limit what we can accomplish. Now I know you don’t have a vet but something called a doctor… same difference. Never let them tell you what your limits are. If Lost would have listen to her (my vet, keep up), I would not be here today. Lucky for me Lost is a woman of faith and just as stubborn as us. If the force is strong with her I sure as hell won’t dare mess with her mojo. Ahh! She is controlling my mind now… stop it Lost we need to finish this letter for my bad-a$$ uncle T-dawg! Woof!
Where was I at? Oh yeah, never give up uncle T! You need to focus on the things that matter most… in my case it is getting away with the fact that I can now sleep on the sofa… can I get a Woof Woof? For you it’s getting back to the little man. Look I know my time is limited but I’m making each day count. Yeah I sleep a lot, but do you know how annoying Max is? I have to… not the point… focus on you. My point is things happen to good dawgs. Every dawg has his day. But holding on to misery and sorrow just steals the force away from you. Don’t give into the darkside, I never have and I have reasons galore. I know it is easy to say not so easy to do. Some days it’s hard for me to go down the steps… other days, please tell no one, I cannot even hold my bladder… but that doesn’t stop me from taking those steps or trying to alert Lost to not be so mad when I don’t make it outside. Lost is a good mom, she is Top Dog for a reason, and you are someone else’s Top Dog. Us followers, I only admit it this time curse you Max, we need our Top Dog. Our Top Dog gives us strength to move on and keep on fighting. Besides there are still many fire hydrants for us to mark and claim ownership of woof!
Okay this is getting too mushy and cramping my bad dog style. Give me some paw and remember you have a pack (Go #TeamTristan), behind you to support you every step of the way. Follow your Top Dog’s command and don’t rush into getting back to the world you know… puppy steps dude. Give me a shout out once in a while and remember… this old dog loves you very much oh and so does Lost. Damn Miss Mexico is hawt, I hope she wins the Miss Universe pageant. Yeah I like ‘em spicy!
This is me Bow-Wow-ing out
P.S. Puppy eye look always works… so if you want to be spoiled it’s okay to resort to those sneaky ways. Oh and I just used my mind control... Miss Mexico won Ruf!
- Current Location:Dog House
- Current Mood: amused
- Current Music:Bad to the Bone
I could not write this entry in paper and every time attempted to write it online I came undone. Today, with tears I will push forward in explaining to you just why I loved him so much. I'm sure this entry will not do him justice but if you all could of been at his funeral service you would see that he made an impact on everyone he met. You see El Abuelo was the type of man who said what was on his mind. He said what he meant and he meant what he said. He never sugar coated anything and some of what he said would sting. You either loved him or you hated the fact you still loved him. He never sought to hurt anyone but didn't see the point of letting you slide by with your mistakes... he called you out on them and was the first to admit when he was wrong (let the record show I don't remember him ever being wrong, out of line yes, wrong... no!) . He believed in giving you a good smack on the head if you needed one and his devotion to Mary was unparalleled. I can say that he lived his faith. So great was his and Reyna's devotion that they actually belonged to three parishes. They were always involved in fundraisers, participating in retreats and sang with their souls on Sunday's. They have a large family and during his wake all 3 parishes combined to serenade some of the songs he loved the most.
I clearly remember the day when our Choir Director Frank decided to relocate to Puerto Rico leaving that position vacant. No one wanted the role. I being the youngest of the group offered to take over but asked the group if they were willing and ready to see me as their leader and not the baby (which is what they called me). El Abuelo was the first to stand up and walk to my side and said "I will follow you". "I think you are the best person for this job and will bring in much needed youth" were his words. With him by my side the rest quickly followed. He always backed me up... and in my moments of doubt was the first to tell me how proud he was of my work. Sadly the shingles stole him and Reyna from me. He suffered a stroke and was no longer able to sing. We would visit him and sing to him... family in the choir is family... no matter what. He was happy to hear that I did manage to bring in some youth to the choir, in fact I'm no longer the baby. He treated me as an equal and it is now that I realize just how much more I miss him. I wish he could see how well the new choir is doing. I wish I could tell him about my achievements in my labors at church as a volunteer teacher. I wish I could tell him about my latest efforts to begin a youth group. I wish I could hear his advice as I sometimes feel so lost... uncertain... Abuelo, God how I miss you.
If there is one important lesson that I need to apply to my life is the following. El Abuelo was active in life... he lived it... and didn't fear death... he accepted is cross and fought for two long years. I know that I'm spending way too much time online and it is time for me to focus. To live and be active in it. Treasure the time I have and to be able to come to peace when my time comes... so I have no regrets. To balance my time with my friends online and enjoy the ones that are real ones who I seem to have taken for granted.
I know, thanks to my faith that El Abuelo is with me now. That he is probably looking at me crying like an idiot and wishing he could smack me and tell that... he isn't gone... he just changed his address. Until we meet again. Te amo!
- Current Mood: mellow
- Current Music:Mercy Me - I can only imagine
If I seem vague, forgive me but I’ve caused so much hurt in these last few months I now fear saying too much. I know I can always make this entry private and say whatever is on my mind but the purpose of my entries are for self-healing and reflection. These entries are for my true friends so that they can get a better glimpse into my thoughts and feelings. Besides, I own up to my mistakes which are very public so why hide now? There is a saying in Spanish which states: If God knows the truth, let the truth be made public.
I guess I’m noticing a pattern in some behavior. I’ve allowed myself to indulge in things I have no business entertaining and I don’t like where it has taken me. It has only led me to emptiness, pain and suffering. I guess I thought I was over an event that was tragic to me, but all I did was avoid the reality of my situation. I decided to make Kelly Clarkson’s “Since You’ve been Gone” my anthem, you know girl power and instead found myself in a Pink song “Don’t Let Me Get Me” fiasco. Both are excellent songs you should check them out to better understand me.
I saw my reflection last night and I hated what I saw. The person staring back at me is not who I am or who I want to be. I’ve allowed myself to indulge in things that are not healthy for me and that take away from my integrity and character. I’ve reached the point where I can now admit that I scare myself. I’m scared of where I have been and was clearly headed. I say “was” but I use the term loosely because the battle for myself is still going on.
I’m a person of faith and I am very blessed that I was able to realize that somewhere along the way I pushed the button. The dreaded self-destruct button. Things could be worst and this could be a very dark entry but instead it is one of hope. I see how I have been spared from other “disasters” truly I have someone looking after me. Lucky for me instead of a big red (a la staple) self-destruct button I have one that reads CANCEL. Tragedy averted but that pesky self-destruct button is in a spot that is too easy to hit by accident so I must be alert at all times.
Until I can successfully claim victory over the battle brewing within me the anthem I yearn to earn is “So Long Self” by Mercy Me. For now I’ll settle for my new song by the Dixie Chicks “Landslide”.
- Current Mood: scared
- Current Music:Carrie Underwood – Wasted
If you stop and think about it, the friendships that we have forged, were built on small talks. These small talks lead to one opening up and finding things in common until "Ahhhh" the circle of trust. But did you ever wonder what impact you have on the world? The people you do not consider your friends but rather acquaintances, or strangers you just happen to be riding the bus with?
This past Sunday I was reminded of just that, what I do matters. What I say... how I say it... my interactions matter and make a difference... even when I don't believe it is significant. You see, on Sunday this crazy lady in a leopard coat came to greet me and waited patiently for me to finish putting the sound system away. I'm the choir director in my church and it is not uncommon for people to ask me questions, I guess I'm approachable? I vaguely remember this crazy lady who evidently knows my name and is thrilled to see me. The problem is, my God-daughter wants to talk to me, the choir members are asking me questions and some students need my signature... a busy time for me. I try to be as kind as possible and give her my attention, but I'm being pulled many directions. I'm hungry due to my Sunday fast ritual and I yearn to go home. I don't have time for small talk.
My memory comes back to me as she tells me how excited she is to see me and how she has a CD for me to listen too. She tells me how great things have been for her and she is hugging me and genuinely elated. I only see this woman once a year, on the anniversary of her mother's death. We sing an hymn every November that was a favorite of her mothers... that is my only interaction with this lady, an hymn once a year. This gesture that the choir does for her, we do it for anyone, it is a just a song. Somehow, this song has earned me blessings from this stranger and yes... a CD that is on loan and I need to listen to it soon. I never think about this woman and I don't notice her in mass, but she notices me. She asked me to follow her to her car so she can lend me this CD, that it will not take up too much of my time. I knew in my heart that following her meant a bigger portion of my time than what she was eluding to, I also knew that this was very important to HER... that it was important to her that this CD end up in my hands. Why? I don't know... perhaps it will help me better understand her?
I stayed with her, listen to her sing along to her CD while she fussed with that leopard coat. She sang with heart, proud and loud. There it was... her mother's favorite song. Tears of joy streamed down her face as she sang louder to that song. It was a very personal moment and one you share with a friend, not a stranger. That's when it hit me... this crazy lady in the leopard coat, ignored by the world just considers me a friend while I consider her a stranger. I don't even know her name...
She carefully gave me the CD and thanked me for giving her the time of day. My once a year actions lead to an unspeakable joy for this person, and I never knew I was a part of it. Now, I wonder how many other lives I have unknowingly impacted. I guess my point is, everything you do really does matter, even the insignificant ones. We are all connected and the choices we make are like ripples in water... their impact becomes larger and larger.
I wonder... how many crazy ladies in leopard coats do I still have to impact? How many do you have?
- Current Mood: curious
- Current Music:Carolina liar - Show Me What I'm Looking For
I've prided myself of always taking the road less traveled... but never straying too far from my own road. I've also never been much of a planner. The thought of planning a trip and carefully choosing the road that will get me from point A to point B sounds... well... predictable. Boring. I don't need to reach my ultimate destination now... I have time... right? I need adventure! Excitement! I want to meet new people and see new places. This is me.
These side roads have led me to meet awesome people and discover places that are simply not on my personal road. I don't necessarily believe you need to stick to your own road all of the time, just as long as you get back to your own road. How else would I have gone to college if it weren't for me making the odd choice of picking the road all my friends ignored. Sure my road had ramps that led to different schools, but picking the less popular road... well I got a better education and an internship out of it.
There have been many great stops on my own road. Some stops gave me a traveling companion, having a navigator is fun at times... makes getting lost more fun. But those side-seat drivers must get to their own roads and my road is a lonely one. I've lost touch with many people I have met along the way, but the postcards I've collected remind me of just how great these mini-adventures have been. But I digress from the true matter at heart here.
Lately I've been so distracted by these side roads that I seem to be lost. These distractions have been so good, too good, that now I dread getting back to my own road. Every time I head back to my old familiar road I seem to go back to that certain town I miss so much... where my heart yearns to be. But people change, places change, people move and the town just doesn't feel the same. And because I've taken so many side winding roads... I cannot seem to find my road. Maybe if I had a Nancy... I mean a GPS, I would have better luck of finding my road. But, GPS is another way to cheat yourself from another adventure... an adventure that I'm sure I will find hard to resist.
I'm confident I'll end up back on my old familiar road. Who knows what stops I may encounter along the way... and what new side roads I will find. But right now... I think I'll just roam.
- Current Mood: contemplative
- Current Music:Life is a Highway
I never really used twitter. It was dormant for the longest of time and I seriously considered closing it down. I decided to embrace my three obsessions: LOST, Supernatural and Twilight. I found great contacts but still I didn't use my account. Twitter Jail was not a worry I would ever have to have. But it was the supernatural fans that took me under their wing and welcomed me... one even made a home for me. *smirk*
I've made true friends that have rivaled some of those in the RL (Real Life). If it weren't for this group of friends I would of never learned about the #DarksideLounge, how to loosen myself up to properly, dare I say it, smut? I learned so much about myself in the few months I have actually used my account. I've even met some of them in the real world... I have phone numbers to some... we have exchanged Christmas cards. I know that this is only the beginning. I have made REAL connections and I value their friendships so much. They are from all parts of the world, some from Israel, Honduras, England, Canada, Mexico and so many more places to mention.
I've even experienced Twitter drama, was there for those in need of a hug (believe me you can hug and do so much more on line, just open your mind), and some have been there for me during my difficult moments. I've experience love and heartbreak, both tears of joy and some of sadness. My dear twitter friends you have taught me so much and I cannot thank each of you enough for allowing me to be a part of your world as you become a part of mine. Thank you all for the lessons learned, for good times and bad times (mostly good). Thank you for teaching me about Twitter and DM jail and thank you for putting "Reality" into this virtual format.
You guys know who you are and that's not to say I don't love my real life friends cause I do, but I needed to tell you all that I have laid to rest the virtual cynic in me.
May you all be blessed in the new year and I cannot wait to write the more moments that will land me in Twitter jail again.
- Current Mood:accomplished
- Current Music:Better Days by the Goo Goo Dolls
Stuff in the Bible pretty straight forward, you know what you "should" and "should not" do in order to get into the Kingdom of Heaven. The good Lord even put them on a tablet for us... does not get any easier. I was able to live my life in this fashion. There were no shades of gray.
But society, or the devil (I'm introducing God and the opposite would be the Devil, no gray area here) seems to confuse us with the concept of "gray". If we take the commandment Thou Shall Not Kill, abortion seems to fall under the "gray" area. People feel strongly about this issue. Society is either for it or against it, only the person going through that experience (I imagine), has felt stuck in the "gray area" of making that decision. Is it the right thing to do or wrong thing? Her answer was likely "it depends". "It depends" is the key word, the word that leads to Shades of Gray.
I have to admit I have found myself questioning the actual existence of Shades of Gray. You see I found myself in a situation where there was something that I was feeling that was clearly right (White) and behaving/acting on them in a form that was clearly wrong (Black). In fact, I had managed to convince myself that the existence of "gray" was very real. I firmly believed that my situation was not right or wrong... but stuck somewhere in the middle. I had my feet firmly planted in the area where black and white meet.
Today, I have come to a conclusion... there is no such thing as Shades of Gray. Gray is just an illusion, a tale we use to get away with the black.
Sure, where white and black meet there is a very thin, almost invisible line of a the shade of gray. But that line is so thin, there was no way my feet could be in that area solely. White means purity, honesty, love, etc. which means that Black is the opposite (do you really need me to list them?). You see, I justified my behavior as a shade of gray because something that feels so right could not possibly be wrong. Something worth fighting for (the saying all is fair in Love and War come to mind) well, you should fight for it no matter the cost. Boy was I a fool.
We lie so well to ourselves. You see my friends, white could NEVER be Black nor should it be. Black could never be White but WE force it to be. When we begin to justify our black acts under "it depends" scenarios we are merely forcing black to be white... thus turning into gray.
White is never black. The shade of gray is just black pretending to be white.
- Current Location:gray
- Current Mood: aggravated
- Current Music:Kelly Clarkson - Gone
"I think Elin and I have avoided a lot of media attention because we're kind of boring. When we do go out, we like to go to the movies. When we go for dinner, it's usually at the same restaurants. Sometimes, friends will come over, and we'll play video games." - Tiger Woods
Well Tiger sign me up, I want your boring lifestyle. I'll marry your kinky self and you can do whomever you want just as long as I get to live the life and have my own fun on the side. Hell! I'll give him a discount I'll sign a pre-nup for 15 million! See... I'm not selfish. He gets the best of both worlds and I'll always stand by his side. To live in the life of luxury? Why not!
I'm not hating on Tiger... in fact... I'm proud that he isn't perfect. And C'mon... the wife ALWAYS KNOWS! I'm not saying that the sacrament of marriage doesn't mean a thing to me... I clearly aspire to it still. I believe that a marriage can succeed as long as there is communication, trust, and a serious commitment to working things out. Of course love is important (the best marriages in my opinion but sometimes love is just not enough). There is no such thing as a perfect marriage but we can all strive for perfection, learn from the bad, improve the good and be honest about your sexual needs (Tiger, you know better). But I digress, I feel bad for Elin cause she is stuck in a catch 22. Should she stay married and have the world judge her for not having good morals, get Tiger from the nads and have the world judge her for being money hungry. No matter what…she looses… hell… she might even LOVE the guy. But I say, she knew… she has always known and was willing to stay married to him and force him into a sham marriage keeping them BOTH miserable.
Tiger… I never knew you had it in you. Sign me up for the sham marriage… people marry for different reasons, some out of money, others loneliness, others power, some out of love, kids…. Why the hell not? And the best thing is that Tiger seems to love ALL the ladies… not matter their age or size. I can live with that! The funny thing is… I just cannot seem to give a damn about Tiger (he is young and will continue to make millions) and I don’t really care about his wife Elin (I finally know your name)… but had this been President Obama then I’d go all Latina on his ass. I hold President Obama on a different level and I got to stick with my girl Michelle Obama.
So this is my petition Tiger… I’m loyal! I’m offering a discount (15 million as oppose to 20), I’ll look away when you have your flings and help cover your but when you get caught (the world is watching you closer now so you are bound to fuck up… you are weak like that), I’ll even give you kids (most guys want heirs).
This is Christina and I’m mistress #19!
- Current Location:Chi-Town
- Current Mood: chipper
Then there are those lows, or depressions, that not only sucker punch you but... it grabs you by the ankles and drags you down... down.... down... to a bottomless pit where only darkness, dampness and coldness exist. It is lonely. You look up as you get dragged down and you can see the light slipping away.... fading.... eventually your nails are bleeding from trying to grab onto the wall to prevent the slippage. It is a cruel drag... letting your arms loose so you loose your strength and faith as you attempt to stop the rapid fall.
I know what you are thinking... way to go... depress me some more but really... until the light is gone... there is always hope. Ever watch Finding Nemo? Even in the deepest part of the ocean where the ray of the suns light cannot reach... life has a way of working around it. There are glow in the dark fish that create light. You even find this phenomenon in caves with lighting bugs.
You cannot have joy without pain... they go hand in hand. How would you know what it feels like to be alive unless you felt the pain of dying slowly. Whether your being pulled by unrequited love... feeling without a purpose... or just plain numb.... this too shall pass. If you squint your eyes and look down... maybe you will notice that it's not so dark because you have the power to be that glow in the dark fish or bug.
So be the bug! Embrace the bug!
I'm such a silly gal!
- Current Mood: bouncy